this one's going out to hervé

wow this blog is WAYYY too personal.
pretty sure im gonna delete everything

titre de sejour

so. guess what? this language shit is starting to click. its fucking mazing! communicating in another language. its probably like on eo fthe coolest feelings ever. ive worked like, pretty fucking hard at getting this language, and its tedious and embarrassing and striaght up hard son, but im making progress and starting to get it/ it feels fucking rad.

so, im finishin gup the semester here, alexis found an apartment for us in the alps, WORD!!! and i THOught i found a job, until the lady called me tonight (hte night before my first day basically) to tell me that the 20 hour per week thing (then an additional 20 hours on top of the UTT style) jsut like wasnt going to work out. bummer. guess i gotta start over:

nutella is good.. alexis is good... sounds like he isnt really sick anymore thats good...... i kinda wanted this hotel job cause id be speaking mad french and have my own place to stay and ACTUALLY STACK SOME LOOOOOOOOOOOT?! but um, guess it was a bit too good to be true; fuckin whack son. guess theres something better right around the corner.

i gotta think that way cause its the only way i keep myself sane here. if im like what if what if what if all the time i go bonkerz. straight up. i just gotta focus on the positive stuff and get over the gay shit

GA%Y shit:

what if shit was gay or straight

no really
homosxual poop
fascinating

word.

diet pillllz

i think im gonna go buy some of those shits tomorrow
hahahahha


diet pillllzzzzz
french diet pillz

yess

j'obliais

i obliais
je forgot

to write something
ANYTHING
thats actually good
creative productive artistic in my life in the month of november

for some reason i think its coool to like beat myself
but i dont think i deserve it like tina turner

huh

anyway
throughout the month of november, lets see:

i studies french and got good graaadessss


insert y scanned tests into the puter


i made two stencils and did them actually thats coool
and i made these tiny little ones friends at the skatepark and they were fuckin rad and they spoke to me in french not liek most of the bitches in AIX

the first stencil said say what cause je suis confusé tous les jours tous les jours

en classe confused
in the street confuse
at the store confuse

drinkin juice confuse
eating crepes confuse

oui oui oiu
confuse

roquefort and brie
confuse

say what

and the other is FOR YOU
CAUSE I DID IT FOR KASH

but it says for you
and its really simple and it kind of sucks actually but its ok
i skateboarded on it
and gave it to kash on the internet
god damn im so gay

haha whatever
it was good


and i went to italy
and i made some real friends
and i took some photographs

and....i drank a lot of coffee

and i walked up the fuckin ghill everydya hahaha
and did a bunch of laundry
made dinner for alexi a lot

um i guess i didnt do as much as i thoguh t i did but its cool
for real
its cool
oh an d i packed up the whole house with jessica and we moved and everything all by ourseles!!! word!!!

drink wine
smoke butts
fuck ya
life

chooose an identity

any identity

i dont know why i just sad that
i just saw it i think

so i live in marseille now
at my boyfriends dads house
thats pretty fuckin sweet
right? hahahha

um yeah

no for real
is that wierd?

it was a matter of circumstance really
and for realz
who wants to walk home to an empty old apartment thats too expensive and to far so hitchhike home all the time

fuck that
so i bounced

cause hervé offered me a spot and i was like um. ok. sure i love your apartment
and i love your free internet and i love you and i love how you buy all the food i like like greek yogurt and feta cheese and salad stuff and clementines and endives and tomatoes and i love the way this palce smells and and i love how marseille is real
and the people here are real
and it makes me realize how aix is whack

but its ok
im really not here for that much longer before i go home ot the states for christmas
and then go back to the alps to spend the season with alexis

its kinda likea make it or break it winter i htink

but i dont knoz
i love that boy so fuckin much its retarded


i jst stopped what i was doing to tell him that

is that good?


why do i get all pyscho sometimes
that shit is gay
i love getting emo while blogging

that shit is gay too
i think this blog is just one giant reflection of how gay i am

im struggs
struggle street for sure

hahhahahha

obligitoire

im kinda wishin i didnt have this gay class today
for reals
i dont like my teacher
he wears really fucked up gay french pleated pants and sticks his nasty package in my face while hes talking in french about divorce rates and how to write a proper french letter to your landlord or some celebration in france that no one fuckin knows about or cares about

this past weekend was cool
we went to a party in marseille
got wasted
smoked like 40 grams of hash
went backstage
got oranges and beers
puked up banana candy and red wine in the bathroom trailer

ive been doing stencils and taggin

ive been rejected french people and french culture while in france

i listen to the same 4 metal songs by daughters and xbxrx and blood brothers and coalesce
and then i get gangster and turn on the same 4 ghostface gza immortal technique and biggie songs

then i get fuckin emo and listen to the same 3 joy division songs

whatevder
this blog has officially turned in to a bitchblog

but i mean if you cant bitch to your boyfriend (he DEF doesnt wanna hear it) and yove already listened to all of the AL GREEN you have on your shitty 4MB ipod..... what else can you do but blog abou t dat shit


werd§

i lost my cat

then i found it
getting a fucking zipper costs 45 euro
thats gay

i wanna get drunk son

my contacts are acting up
im studying more
speaking less

whatever its all cool
i dotn really care
ill get it at some point? i guesss: gimme gimme
remember that britney song? when she like came back for her first performance with that song
and kinda like; fucked it up and got millions of banana reviezw jammed up her asshole cuase everyone thought it sucked?
and there is that guy who started a youtube video like KLEAVE BRITTNEY ALONE guy or something? whats zith the fuckin hype? jesus fuckin christ

gay

worrrrd

guess what?
imhungryagain.com

word

yo french people get fat too

yo son food here is the fuckin jump son, if you dont know then fucking get into it

i love how serious they take their fatty foods and even promotes eating chocolate for breakfast im fuckin down

hell yeah
chocoloate cereal
chocolqte croissants
chocolate crepes

give it to me

and dont say that french women arent fat or they dont get fat thats fucking bullshit they fuckin are
there are plenty of fat people in france

dont believe the hype
they pay for their chocolate crepes and croissants and baguettes and butter and cheese

oh yes. they do.

nutella

got a new cat. shes is 4 months old. in between kitten and cat. more of a kitten than a cat. shes fuckin wild. such a spaz. shes pretty wierd? i ike that. she purrs really loud when shes content.

i like olive bread.*

i like greek yogurt.
i like alexis, i like my french teacher, madame garcia. she smokes mad butts and and shes pretty too. i actually understand her so thats dope. the teacher for translation class is pretty dope too, his name is monsueir NURY. i dont know where he comes from but he is a fuckin gnome or some shit. hes funny. andkind of like one of those charcters in a book that is always disheveled and laughing at his own jokes and murmering to himself and a bit confused. i know hes mad smart cause he speaks liek 40 languages, but this is the best description i can offer at the moment. alexis got his computer cord, word. thats hot.

why am i always hungry?
i had yogurt an apple and a sandwich so far today:
its only 5 o clock:
did you know that i used to eat like once a day? like a salad for dinner; cest tout:
*
food is amazing
i think i should start a blog completely dedicated to it

greek food french food health food

canned food expensive food bomb food

food that has protein
food that has carbohydrates


yo lemme git that shit

coffee is bomb too

my friend noelle is the funniest fucking girl alive
shes chasing after this lame dude that cheats on her, sweet

im gonna go meet up with my boyfriend with a big dick at the skatepark now
and not skate
cause im pretty fucking sweet

tres dificil

talk to stoned
cest tres dificil

its my birthday and ill cry if i want to

frenchy, get a grip

whoa whoa whoa what the fuck depression surpression 50 mile hike tout les jours on the floors never never never want etre commme ca

je ne sais pas je ne sais pas
your jokes are rude

je suis americaine je suis americaine
internet retardation
bon anniversaire fauxalition

je etudie aujor'dui
tous les jour
pour tu

happy birthday to me 4 tampons later
bloody jeans
blood favorite underwear

degoutant
americaine
your boyfriend doesnt like you

hole

im in a hole here
24 year old hole

word nice zits

mon vie en chocolat

est bloated
monsiuer


get a fuckin grip

get a gripon your hole
desole desole

get a fuckin grip

berry

so i just spent like a week in BERRy at the detarade family estate..... with the grandparents and the whole crew.....like 50 of them. all french speakers rollin mad deep in deeeep french terrain.........
my french isnt on their level though
at all

so i felt stupid
and like i didnt belong

stupid american
i also felt kind of trashy cause i like to drink and smoke and i have have a sexy body i guess (its not like i wore low cut tops or anything... but i do kiss alexis a lot... i guess that can look kind of trashy)
even though im really not

cause these people drink before lunch and dinner
and these appertifs are like MADDDD GOOOOD so i wanted to drink a lot of it (im talkin about melon flavored booze and cassis berries and muscat - all super strong sweet girly shit that kash and i would DESTROY in like a heart beat son ya heard?)

and then there was always wine at the table as well? but its rude to serve yourself;;;; so you have to wait until the man sitting next to you wants to fill his glass, the dude sitting next to me happened to be a lovely french man named jean philipe who also just happened to love stupid american gils with big boobs

so he filled my shit up a lot
and i sat next to him lmost everyday at every meal cause you have assigned seating and i sat across from alexis at the table......

but it was hard to get drunk

cause i ate mad foodsies
cause that shit was dank son


the day of the party was pretty frantic.... everyone was running around trying to make all of the proper provisions for the party just so; so much food, etting up all the tables, cleaning; raking, i finished my flower thing, alexis roasted the mutton (a lamb that came to tilloux the day before in a truck from the locql butcher dude, the thing was skinned and shit but head and all.... ew.)i later found the lamb head on a plate just chillin in the fridge like next to the milk later on that day i was like ummmmmmm word? thats cool........poor little guy

i didnt eat much of the lamb at lunch on the day of the party
not sure if its because i was bugged out by it
or if i just dont like lamb or if i remembered why i was a vegetarian fo all of those years... or what but that shit was gnarly

even though alexis prepared it
i didnt really want to touch it
it tasted like steak.. really chewy ... really nasty

and i was kind of upset at that point cause i was exhausted from the language barrier.... and mami didnt really wan me to be in the big family picture i guess, cause she asked me to take the picture and i thought that was fucked up... but whatever
i started to cry
alexis saw me

then i felt stupid
again



i dont know if i like going there if my french stays at this level so im pretty motivated and excited to keep learning more

i feel like my white amerian teeth are turning into bad yellow french teeth
even though i dont smoke very much any more

thats good

i got sick from tilloux
i think too much booze and fod
but im getng back on the regular food tip now that were back in marseille

i want to make chicken again for dinner for the boys
i like cooking

it makes me feel good

i think thats all for now

neosporin

where the fuck qre you when i need you§
azerty keyboqrds i love you: **

im bqck in frqncelqnd
i fuckin love it here
i love hqving My ummm? MOON
when all i zanna do is sex you up


damnnnnnnnnnnnn

im kindq gettin peer pressured by bunzo to quit snokin butts
so i am down to like three q dqy
thqts reqlly good for me:
i love these keyboqrds; dont you§

dur dur dur

i eqt so zel here too
qlexis papa is so nice
ny french sucks
but its getting better
school is stqrting in q couple zeeks
zorkin on qn qprtment in aix

fuckin azerty keyboqrds

i love it

fuck fuck fuck

fuck fuck fuck

sucka dick

this girl at the restuarant that i work with said she's tired of suckin dick for money as in like tips and shit with these terrible suburbanites. i was kinda stoked on hearing someone say that. duuur.... i got my fuckin ass kicked tonight. ....... got out at 1100........fell asleep at 1115... now its 325....sweet...wha the fuck

word son, moles.

i leave in 5 days
fuckin word em up son
stoked on that
not too stoked on the blemish on the right hand side of my chin, which is actually a MOLE

moles. word. thats pretty hot.

i paid 20 bucks for that dermatology lady to tell me its a mole? im like, yo can you get rid of that shit? and she was like, nah son, i cant. its gonna leave a scar. you dont want that, trust me.

i was like sweet. moles. moles sweet moles.

shameless killing of innocent bugz.

now its smashed on the computer screen

fuck.




i saw a bird of prey with a dead squirrel in its mouth today

AND

i almost stepped on another dead squirrel (ROadKill) while running as fast as i could in the rain through suburban wasteland



i cant breathe here

ive cried like 40 times today

what the fuck
not sure why


im all itchy

i left the city like 2 days ago and im having withdrawl and im moving to france in like 12 days and im nervous


fuck

fuck

i cant sleep here
i hate parents house
no friends here
so fuckin tired

i dont get it




i did go to the diner today and had like 14 cups of coffee for $1.33. that was pretty sick

lyrics

hide and seek

where are we?
what the hell is going on
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines oh, you won't catch me around here
blood and tears hearts
they were here first

Mmmm whacha say
Mmmm that you only meant well..
well of course you did
Mmmm whacha say
Mmmm that its all for the best
of course it is
Mmmm whacha say
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
Mmmm whacha say
Mmmm what did she say

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit

hide and seek
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

hide and seek
speak no feeling no
i don't believe you
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit

hide and seek
oh no
you don't care a bit
oh no
you don't care a bit

hide and seek
oh no
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit

big love

ps- that show is..... uh, kinda good.

i think i figured it out

man, my escape from suburban wasteland was desperately needed. like, bad. i guess i didnt even know how bad i needed urban life..... and the lack of it, like, kind of fucks me up... since i got back from france and greece ive stayed here (suburbia, phila) (good choice) (instead of the city) ((nice choice)) cause i thought it'd be the best way to save money...? uuuuuuh lame.. but yeah i went back to the city for the past few days........ and um hi. what the fuck happened while i was gone? place is jumpin off. im hyped on the music scene right now.......... its also summer.... but mostly it was good to be with kash. we went to phoebe's... we drank a LOT(yikes) we danced a lot.......and like, talked about boys and shit. word. boys.

html. how the fuck do you work?

i dont get it.
all my pictures are cut off.
HTML, try not to be so cool and deal with me!
god damn!

14 year-olds foreva

i miss my friends


i miss rock



i miss kash



i MISS ALEXIS





oh my god i miss alexis







i miss skating with my friends




but mostly i just miss being a 14 yearold with alexis

meteor showers? my ASS!!!!

i saw one comet tonight. what a bust. i saw like, 1 and a half comets last night. outside on the deck with my dad. i wanted to smoke a butt out there watching the stars with him, but of course i couldnt. he'd flip.

it was kind of wierd, and i just think that sucks, that it felt wierd to spend time with my dad... just watching the sky. my parents are pissed off cause they think i am wasting my education and fucking up my career by going off to play with alexis in france. this decision directly affects them as i need assistance with VISAs and temporary living situations in between VISAs. (at THEIR house). okay, got it. not wanted here. i understand. seriously! i get it! i wont come back here, point taken.

but eventually i'll figure out whether or not im staying in Europe with Georgious, or.......... not.......... and will have to come back to America and figure it out all over again. i want to be with him, i want to make a family with him. i want a dog named meemer and i want to make him happy forever. i could do it, i know it. but if it falls apart........i guess ill start over somewhere else.

big deal? no big deal? i dont know. i guess starting over is kind of a big deal. but its not like i dont realize that. so why cant they get off my dick and let me realize my own decisions create my future and just be supportive as opposed to negative, condescending and resentful. ok, let's break that down:

negative = things arent going to work out for me in europe / with alexis. will get too hard. I'll give up. no money.... tough life, no friends no family. fair enough.

condescending = oh sure amy, you can just come back to work in new york, what are you going to do? leech off of us for another month while you figure out a new job?

resentful = just come home, amy, you can live and work here while you figure things out........................ oh wait, fuck. shit. amy's home. we dont want her here. she's a burden and dependent. fuck. shit. now what do we do. let's just be assholes and tell her that she sucks.

well, yeah. obviously i suck and i'm lazy. got it.

never coming back here again............

blargh. i dont know really. i guess thats what blogs are for. i kind of feel like an idiot blogging away here in suburbia but i also cleaned my grandmom's hosue today, watered the flowers in the yard, took a walk around the neighborhood after dinner by myself and went to the post office today. i mean, what else am i supposed to do. FUCK!

LOSER~!

smash, im turning into an alcoholic here and they hid the STOLI orange from me. so i drank mandarin absolut instead. trying to get to the city this weekend to return to some urban normalcy ragin like im used to. BATTLE OF THE CONSULATE PART 2 tomorrow. put ya fuckin seatbelts on.

oh worrrd?

so this new job im workin
.........restaurant, fine dining status.... kitchens are fuckin gross. i see rolls dropped on the floor and put back in baskets......... i see chefs using bare hands on like everything
old people suck

oh yeah, ps- The chefs HATE me! im like, um, ok. can i get my veal marsala now? (Gross.)
but im pretty sure they hate everyone
theyre sloppy and gross

so are the dishwashers
they call me baby
i hate that

sometimes i wanna kill everyone

over it

over it








over it







over it



over it







over it

i miss kash

shes my best friend



blogs are gay

im addicted to gayness

i fuckin love it

baileys is gross

but i fuckin love that too

cigarettes are gross

love em

food is gross
(give it to me)

poetry is gay
especially mine





thats kash
shes cool

she doesnt even know how fuckin cool she is

baileys

dinner = 1 vodka gimlet
extra lime

dessert = 2 glasses of baileys on ice

i feel grossss i miss my boyfriend i feel like there is too much sugar and alcohol on my teeth
and my tongue
that shit is whack
myspace is whack
im totally addicted
i hate the train
i hate my face

im sick of being at home

im over my medical bills
big time

i love that saying dont give i shit
cuase i totally do
but i dont give a shit
oh wait
hold on
i totally do

fucking hell meng

bad days are such a drag

sandals are gay

dont care



doesn't matter



pushed me away