Tuesday, July 14, 2015

I'm back, bitches.

You heard me. I am motherfuckin back. Back with a side of married, pregnant and a dog named Jones. Who rules. And kind of rules my life. Since I am a full time housewife and dog mom, my life consists of really important things like taking Jones on epic journeys. This summer we discovered Wissahickon Creek in Chestnut Hill, which is basically a beautiful 20-something mile nature path along a big stream about 20 minutes away from Center City, Philadelphia. Jones gets to be a real dog out there. I can take him off the leash and he can jump into the creek, splash around and retrieve things like he was meant to do. It's pretty cool to see your dog swim, and maybe even feel a little proud, regardless of the fact that you had absolutely nothing to do with teaching him the mechanics of swimming. Whatever, I taught him everything he knows. Jones and I actually just got back from another adventure: DOWN THE SHORE. Unfortunately cut short by a multitude of factors. Forget the fact that I'm pregnant (my husband had to go back to work) and therefore alone. Forget that the vintage air conditioning units went haywire and they all blew up and the electricity went out and I couldn't find the fusebox or someone to contact. Forget the mildewy, moldy smell that makes almost every rental down the shore so uniquely shitty and charming at the same time. Forget the neighbors who told me a pipe burst and water is exploding everywhere. Our vacation was really cut short because I discovered something awful on Jones. At first I thought he found a wonderful dead sea creature to roll around in. I got this horrible smell on my hand, which got there from petting my baby YONES. (My husband and I call him Yones sometimes- think Yohannes or Yanni) So… I gave him a bath and when he dried off this ring of wetness and smelliness was still around the back of his neck. I put a paper towel on it, and there was a gooey, pink ooze coming out of him. Fast forward to an emergency trip to the Cape May animal hospital and we discovered Jones' first canine hot spot. It had spread to a lesion about the size of my fist on the back of his neck OVERNIGHT. Scary, right? Anyway, the doc told us Golden Retreivers are predisposed to these dermalogical problems. They are called summer sores or moist eczema and they seem really painful. Jones really cringes when I try to clean it up or apply his medicine. They are caused by excess bacteria triggered by allergens such as pollen, mold, dust, insect bites or fleas, moisture and heat or even diet! So here I am thinking I am the best mom ever letting him frolic through the ocean, jump in the pool and explore the tributaries of Greater Philadelphia while I am actually causing my poor baby this horrible skin sore! What an idiot! I guess when you put so much work into training and raising your dog, and loving the living shit out of them, when they are suffering, you suffer too. I put my heart and soul into this dog. At the risk of sounding dramatic… I'm sorry but that was really stressful. Almost traumatic. I'm terrified, actually, of becoming a mom mom. I know I am going to be a good mom, but I doubt myself sometimes, especially when shit like this goes down. Not scared of when baby gets sick; like, duh, I know babies get sick. I'll handle it. I am just projecting about how emotional I will be when I inevitably relive growing up with my kids. The heartaches, rejection, and cruelty… It will be impossible to keep a straight face. I almost cried in the vet's office for Pete's sake. Blame it on the ah-ah-ah-ah-aaaaa-aaa alcoho-- i mean the hormones? HORMOOOONES. More to come on that shit later. K thanks, bye!

Monday, April 23, 2012

it's not just fitness.

it's life.

i recently joined equinox where i am reminded of my elite new york city status and success everytime i work out.

The moment i walk in my personal life fitness mentor rushes over to spray me with eucalyptus water.

they lay me down and help me take off my armani business attire. i am changed into state of the art performance-driven exercise apparel.

working out is so sexy. when i do spin class someone is actually peddling me through unheard of european cobblestone streets. i don't even sweat.

i look like this now.

i get driven around in really fast cars with my legs hanging out the window.

i had a baby. he's a genius.

i moved into a new apartment. it came with 24-hour on-site camera crew to document my progress in strength, endurance and agility.

i hang out with models. we make cakes and arm-wrestle every thursday evening in the study.


Sunday, February 26, 2012

Oscar the couch

heyyyyyyyy, angelina jolie, sweet legs dog.

brad pitt: my wife is insane.

The girl with the dragon tattoo, you're killing it in this white shit with your epic bangs. even though you are starving.

i guess everyone is starving, especially angelina jolie.

What the hell is going on? I haven't seen any of these movies. Regardless, Martin Scorcese has some sick eyebrows.

Whatev. This chick knows what's going on

hey beiber!

you do it to me every time michelle williams, i don't care if you're confused.

remember when she gave me boner in this lemon strudel?

angelina jolie no one cares

can we take a minute to stop laughing at angeleina jolie and just look at her elbow? girl you need help.

well anyway, cirque du soleil came out as like a half time show or some shit. not really sure where that came from, but some tv blogger pretty much gets it

ok back to laughing at angelina jolie,
remember when zack galanafaakiniswdfjkahfus and will ferrel came out with cymbals and smashed them in brangelina's face? awesome

natalie portman everyone hates you

busy phillips youre fuckin cool

emma stone, The Help me, you gorgeous, dog

Charlize theron, is you human

Kelly Osbourne is that you?

angelina jolie you adopted 14 children

jessica alba youre a maniac and it's not fair

gwyneth paltrow you are like a life-size real-life doll of yourself and i want to be you

anyway...................lots going on at the oscars this year. this chick pretty much sums it up.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

jesus saves i spend

dang i just copped these off christeric / i didnt even really know about this line and now i want it all.




















wow dudes, really?


photos: Ben Cope
hair/make-up: Tara Jean
guy model: Daniel Landroche (Ford)
girl model: Brooke Perry (Ford) doesn't she look like a young Debbie Harry??!?

this whole shoot took place at the photographer's dad's house, and the van they found parked somewhere and bribed the owner to let them use it, haha, awesome. i want those t-shirts man and i want the easter eggs